idk where else to put this.. so i put it here

ok.. im going to b honest... for the first time in a long time, i'll b honest with everyone...

i've been really down lately... almost depressed.. not constatly... not that i know of.

i feel it at night mostly, when i go to this website called blogtv to talk to my friend jen, and it seems like she doesnt care about the blogtv ppl.. just the 3 or 4 ppl she'll have on skype call.

idk.. i kinda feel unwanted, like i dont belong, cause like i have skype, and she's on my skype... so r 2 out of the main 3 pll she talks to, but im never invited to talk at all

meh... i guess this is gonna b a bitch fest from me... so ya... feel free to just stop reading and do something thats worth the time u'll end up wasting on this.

u still reading?
dont say i didnt warn u...

anyway... i'd ask to b in the call but then i'd b worried that they'd b bitter towards me for intruding... im way to passive for that

and they'd probibly feel like they have to add me... i'm way to nice for that

so instead i just sit and try to pretend to b ok, like i've done for years, probibly forever, idk

but ya... being depresed ends up making me angry.. cause i have no reason to b depressed, hell.. i have every reason to b happy, i have a gf, i'm not taking classes and gettign away with it, i'm having a blast in life... until im alone in my room... where i have time to think, or rather, where i have the time to not distract myself, where i have time to think way too much about way too much, where i cna thnk about how little bullshit things r getting to me and bringing me down, while i, ever the joyous hero, refuses to admit that im down about anything

and since im being honest... u wanna know y i refuse to show im down?... well one cause im sposed to b strong for all my friensd who need me. i have steph and hanna and not so much aly anymore, but now rai, and i want jess to dump hre troubles on me, but she wont.

anyway,, the real reason?... cause im afraid

im afraid that i'm fucked up beyond my control, afraid that i cant live my life wihtout help... afraid im too weak to take care of myeself.

cause if i cant keep myself together, how the fuck am i sposed to help those who need me?

anyway... i hate this right now... my gf was online and then just got off msn, and she's on blogtv... this is where my mind plays it's tricks on me...

"she must not want to talk to u, she didnt say anything"
"maybe her comp just went heywire and her internet is down"
"u could check to see if she's on blog..."
"thats a good idea... that'll help alot"
"whats this?... she's on blog?... well her internet must b fine... it must b you"
"what??... nonsence... im suer there's a reason"
" 'i'm sure there's a reason' of course there is.. she doesnt like u, same as everyone else"
"but.. that cant b true.. can it?"
"welll let's see... how many real freinds do u have?.. how many do u make time to do stuff with?"
"i could just go on blog and ask her about it right? i'm sure there's a reason"
"u cant do that... u'll look liek a crazy obsessive stalker type... u dont want that"
"no, i guess not"
" just wait until jen starts her show... u go there every night.. it wont b so stalker-ish"
"ok... that sounsd like a plan"
" oh... looks like jen isnt online either... they r probibly makign fun of u"
"what??.... y would they do that?"
"probibly laughing cause poor shallow grave is such a loser... and he thinks that ppl actually like him"
"stop that.. it's not true.. ppl like me"
"they do?.... y.. tell me 5 ppl who give a damn about u"
"umm.. well--"
"as i thought... no one gives two shits about u"
"thats not true!"
"there's only one person who really loves u"
"jess?"
"of course not my boy... if she loved u she'd talk to u right?"
"i...i guess..."
"u guess... or u know?"
"umm.. i guess i know?"
"of course u know.... do u want to know who really loves u?"
"who?"
"I do... i've always been here for u and always will b"
"but u never say anythign but i'm useless, and unloved"
"exactly, boy.... i'm the only one who's willing to tell u the truth"

but ya... b4 i'm gonna stop b4 i just go forever :/
it nevre ends... the haunting fear of betrayal... it's almost sickening but it seems on alot ofdays, it's the only thing that loves me. i know it's not true, but sometimes it feels like it is

anyway... i need to end this b4 i continue too much :/

so goodnight...