I need to distract myself. distract myself from thinking. when I think I think about my life. my life and how shitty of a job im doing being alive. u may say "but ur alive, isn't that doing a good job?"
nope... not at all. im not dead cause I don't do anything. there's nothing to do. my life has become so boreing and mundane. the only constant is failure, it seems

that's the main thing eating away at me right now... I feel like a failure. like im not good enough. I have applied for several jobs this summer... the best shot I had was a job at this convenience store thing a few miles from my house. I know the manager. or atleast I know her mom. get bread from her every week. the manager knew my grandmother so the last decade working for my grandmother actually counted for something. she was willing to interview me even tho I've never had a job, well not an official job. that was the first job I applied for. I cut my hair, shaved, nice shirt and nice pants. I thought I did good in the interview. I was told i'd find out the next week. I was so sure I had this job I put off signing up for classes so I could fit school around working. I needed this job. not for the sake of having a job, or for money, tho both are nice, I needed it to start my life in a not so downward direction. to feel like I was worth a damn. like I wasn't some worthless bum just kinda sliding through life. so anyway... 3 weeks later I get a letter saying it's best for both parties if I didn't have that job.  if im honest, I was surprised and I was really, really pissed off that I didn't get the job. I mean it was a shit job but it was something. something I could put on other applications and not seem so shitty. anyway... what pissed me off more is my mother didn't give me time to accept the failure. just went right on pushing me to the next job... this one was for a meat factory

so I get the application, fill it out, turn it in. didn't hear anything for a week. then 2. my sister asked how it went, if I got the job. I told her I didn't hear anything so I guess not her response was "hmm. I thought they were hireing everyone" ya... everyone but yours truly. I couldn't get a job that was hiring everyone. I mean. how shitty do u have to b for someone to say "we'll hire everyone who applied... except this guy" anyway... on the the next job a couple weeks later

this was a real fun one... wallmart wanted temporary work, moving shelves, restocking stuff like that. admittedly, I kinda messed this one up for myself. I knew they didn't accept applicants that picked anything that wasn't 100% yes or no on the multiple choice shit. but the job was from 10 - 7 that's 10pm to 7 am... ya I am practically desperate fro a job, but not that desperate. im not gonna work from 10 at night until 7 in the morning for the shit pay i'd get at wallmart. anyway... now enter the current job...

the job I just applied for is desperate for workers. 40 hours a week, $10 an hour counting magnets for a magnet factory. I turned in my application on Friday. im gonna call next Thursday or Friday to see how im doing. if I don't get this job I've decided im done trying. im gonna say fuck working for the rest of 2013. i'm gonna give up on it. if someone comes to me and says "here, have this job" I wont b all "no, fuck you". i'll take any job that I know I have cause the person tells me if u say yes u have the job, start tomorrow" but I wont apply to anything new if I cant get this job. there's only so much failure I can take before I give up. I mean, if it's obvious I wont get the desperate, sure fire jobs, then what's left for me? nothing. to make matters worse I was so sure about the first job that I put off signing up for classes so now, for the 3rd semester in a row... im not going to school. anyway... im feeling a bit better. I've at least moved out of self pity and into undirected anger... anyway, goodnight

i know no one will see this, especially her, so i'll just leave this here for whatever...
 ok, quick backstory... i met the woman i'll call "Gotham City" on a website that was prety simple, "do i look good? rate this picture". long story short. i liked her, like really liked her. what am i saying... like her. present tence. the only problem is... she's kinda getting married in a month or 2. but i'm kind of a terrible person in that i kinda ignored the fact that she had a then boyfriend and i loved her anyway. we'd talk til we just couldnt anymore and we'd legit spend the day texting. from the second we woke up to when we went to sleep. i'd send her a text when i'd to to sleep. (cause i always somehow went to bed last despite being 2 hours ahead of her.) anyway, i'd text her something along the lines of "gives u a hug and a kiss. cause someone as gorgeous as u should always wake up with hugs and kisses" anyway, she gets engaged, i back off, cause i wanted her to have what's best for her. and that wasnt some dork who lived forever away. so we didnt talk much. i was afraid if i talked to her i'd try to charm her out of her marrage and with me.

anyway.. a while ago i got a call from her, she'd been drinking , and apparently she becomes really honest when she's drunk and she told me that she wished it was me she was marrying, not other guy. i wish i could tell u that i was all "that's sweet" and let it go, but i didnt... i still missed her just as much as always. so, i told her that i still loved her just as much as b4, and i told her that i wished that i was marrying her also. i wish i didnt do this, but my brain went into "i still have a chance" mode and ya... she may have been teasing me and i may have encouraged more, maybe to the point to where i was describing some pretty spesific stuff i'd b doing if we were together.. anyway... y im writing this is cause my brain is making he a bit sad... Gotham City was sposed to video chat with me tonight. i was finally gonna b able to see her after forever and she was going to the bar b4 hand too, so she'd b drunk and as face to face as we could b. anyway, she had to cancel, and my tired, sleep starved brain is telling me that i wont get to talk to her for a long time... it makes me sad cause i want to b able to see her face. i want to beable to see her smile and everything, but im a good man... i dont want to have her hurt when she gets married to other guy and i'm off to the side still wanting to kiss her :/

anyway. that's me typing more stuff i shoudlnt, so i can hide it here for who knows how long until i findmyself here again. bye for now