I need to distract myself. distract myself from thinking. when I think I think about my life. my life and how shitty of a job im doing being alive. u may say "but ur alive, isn't that doing a good job?"
nope... not at all. im not dead cause I don't do anything. there's nothing to do. my life has become so boreing and mundane. the only constant is failure, it seems

that's the main thing eating away at me right now... I feel like a failure. like im not good enough. I have applied for several jobs this summer... the best shot I had was a job at this convenience store thing a few miles from my house. I know the manager. or atleast I know her mom. get bread from her every week. the manager knew my grandmother so the last decade working for my grandmother actually counted for something. she was willing to interview me even tho I've never had a job, well not an official job. that was the first job I applied for. I cut my hair, shaved, nice shirt and nice pants. I thought I did good in the interview. I was told i'd find out the next week. I was so sure I had this job I put off signing up for classes so I could fit school around working. I needed this job. not for the sake of having a job, or for money, tho both are nice, I needed it to start my life in a not so downward direction. to feel like I was worth a damn. like I wasn't some worthless bum just kinda sliding through life. so anyway... 3 weeks later I get a letter saying it's best for both parties if I didn't have that job.  if im honest, I was surprised and I was really, really pissed off that I didn't get the job. I mean it was a shit job but it was something. something I could put on other applications and not seem so shitty. anyway... what pissed me off more is my mother didn't give me time to accept the failure. just went right on pushing me to the next job... this one was for a meat factory

so I get the application, fill it out, turn it in. didn't hear anything for a week. then 2. my sister asked how it went, if I got the job. I told her I didn't hear anything so I guess not her response was "hmm. I thought they were hireing everyone" ya... everyone but yours truly. I couldn't get a job that was hiring everyone. I mean. how shitty do u have to b for someone to say "we'll hire everyone who applied... except this guy" anyway... on the the next job a couple weeks later

this was a real fun one... wallmart wanted temporary work, moving shelves, restocking stuff like that. admittedly, I kinda messed this one up for myself. I knew they didn't accept applicants that picked anything that wasn't 100% yes or no on the multiple choice shit. but the job was from 10 - 7 that's 10pm to 7 am... ya I am practically desperate fro a job, but not that desperate. im not gonna work from 10 at night until 7 in the morning for the shit pay i'd get at wallmart. anyway... now enter the current job...

the job I just applied for is desperate for workers. 40 hours a week, $10 an hour counting magnets for a magnet factory. I turned in my application on Friday. im gonna call next Thursday or Friday to see how im doing. if I don't get this job I've decided im done trying. im gonna say fuck working for the rest of 2013. i'm gonna give up on it. if someone comes to me and says "here, have this job" I wont b all "no, fuck you". i'll take any job that I know I have cause the person tells me if u say yes u have the job, start tomorrow" but I wont apply to anything new if I cant get this job. there's only so much failure I can take before I give up. I mean, if it's obvious I wont get the desperate, sure fire jobs, then what's left for me? nothing. to make matters worse I was so sure about the first job that I put off signing up for classes so now, for the 3rd semester in a row... im not going to school. anyway... im feeling a bit better. I've at least moved out of self pity and into undirected anger... anyway, goodnight