I need to distract myself. distract myself from thinking. when I think I think about my life. my life and how shitty of a job im doing being alive. u may say "but ur alive, isn't that doing a good job?"
nope... not at all. im not dead cause I don't do anything. there's nothing to do. my life has become so boreing and mundane. the only constant is failure, it seems

that's the main thing eating away at me right now... I feel like a failure. like im not good enough. I have applied for several jobs this summer... the best shot I had was a job at this convenience store thing a few miles from my house. I know the manager. or atleast I know her mom. get bread from her every week. the manager knew my grandmother so the last decade working for my grandmother actually counted for something. she was willing to interview me even tho I've never had a job, well not an official job. that was the first job I applied for. I cut my hair, shaved, nice shirt and nice pants. I thought I did good in the interview. I was told i'd find out the next week. I was so sure I had this job I put off signing up for classes so I could fit school around working. I needed this job. not for the sake of having a job, or for money, tho both are nice, I needed it to start my life in a not so downward direction. to feel like I was worth a damn. like I wasn't some worthless bum just kinda sliding through life. so anyway... 3 weeks later I get a letter saying it's best for both parties if I didn't have that job.  if im honest, I was surprised and I was really, really pissed off that I didn't get the job. I mean it was a shit job but it was something. something I could put on other applications and not seem so shitty. anyway... what pissed me off more is my mother didn't give me time to accept the failure. just went right on pushing me to the next job... this one was for a meat factory

so I get the application, fill it out, turn it in. didn't hear anything for a week. then 2. my sister asked how it went, if I got the job. I told her I didn't hear anything so I guess not her response was "hmm. I thought they were hireing everyone" ya... everyone but yours truly. I couldn't get a job that was hiring everyone. I mean. how shitty do u have to b for someone to say "we'll hire everyone who applied... except this guy" anyway... on the the next job a couple weeks later

this was a real fun one... wallmart wanted temporary work, moving shelves, restocking stuff like that. admittedly, I kinda messed this one up for myself. I knew they didn't accept applicants that picked anything that wasn't 100% yes or no on the multiple choice shit. but the job was from 10 - 7 that's 10pm to 7 am... ya I am practically desperate fro a job, but not that desperate. im not gonna work from 10 at night until 7 in the morning for the shit pay i'd get at wallmart. anyway... now enter the current job...

the job I just applied for is desperate for workers. 40 hours a week, $10 an hour counting magnets for a magnet factory. I turned in my application on Friday. im gonna call next Thursday or Friday to see how im doing. if I don't get this job I've decided im done trying. im gonna say fuck working for the rest of 2013. i'm gonna give up on it. if someone comes to me and says "here, have this job" I wont b all "no, fuck you". i'll take any job that I know I have cause the person tells me if u say yes u have the job, start tomorrow" but I wont apply to anything new if I cant get this job. there's only so much failure I can take before I give up. I mean, if it's obvious I wont get the desperate, sure fire jobs, then what's left for me? nothing. to make matters worse I was so sure about the first job that I put off signing up for classes so now, for the 3rd semester in a row... im not going to school. anyway... im feeling a bit better. I've at least moved out of self pity and into undirected anger... anyway, goodnight

i know no one will see this, especially her, so i'll just leave this here for whatever...
 ok, quick backstory... i met the woman i'll call "Gotham City" on a website that was prety simple, "do i look good? rate this picture". long story short. i liked her, like really liked her. what am i saying... like her. present tence. the only problem is... she's kinda getting married in a month or 2. but i'm kind of a terrible person in that i kinda ignored the fact that she had a then boyfriend and i loved her anyway. we'd talk til we just couldnt anymore and we'd legit spend the day texting. from the second we woke up to when we went to sleep. i'd send her a text when i'd to to sleep. (cause i always somehow went to bed last despite being 2 hours ahead of her.) anyway, i'd text her something along the lines of "gives u a hug and a kiss. cause someone as gorgeous as u should always wake up with hugs and kisses" anyway, she gets engaged, i back off, cause i wanted her to have what's best for her. and that wasnt some dork who lived forever away. so we didnt talk much. i was afraid if i talked to her i'd try to charm her out of her marrage and with me.

anyway.. a while ago i got a call from her, she'd been drinking , and apparently she becomes really honest when she's drunk and she told me that she wished it was me she was marrying, not other guy. i wish i could tell u that i was all "that's sweet" and let it go, but i didnt... i still missed her just as much as always. so, i told her that i still loved her just as much as b4, and i told her that i wished that i was marrying her also. i wish i didnt do this, but my brain went into "i still have a chance" mode and ya... she may have been teasing me and i may have encouraged more, maybe to the point to where i was describing some pretty spesific stuff i'd b doing if we were together.. anyway... y im writing this is cause my brain is making he a bit sad... Gotham City was sposed to video chat with me tonight. i was finally gonna b able to see her after forever and she was going to the bar b4 hand too, so she'd b drunk and as face to face as we could b. anyway, she had to cancel, and my tired, sleep starved brain is telling me that i wont get to talk to her for a long time... it makes me sad cause i want to b able to see her face. i want to beable to see her smile and everything, but im a good man... i dont want to have her hurt when she gets married to other guy and i'm off to the side still wanting to kiss her :/

anyway. that's me typing more stuff i shoudlnt, so i can hide it here for who knows how long until i findmyself here again. bye for now

Dream idea for Doctor Who -- 9/15/12

• opening: human/alien/creature is hit with a green beam/ray of some kind, they become transparent and shrink into this orb-type thing. 
• the beings that became the green orbs were being put in everyday things, imprisoned for reasons i may never know
• jumping ahead forward; the Doctor finds out that a close male and female character have been taken and hit with the beam/ray
• the Doctor finds out about the plot and sets out looking for them.
• he eventually finds out that they have been put into tomatoes, in a bag of groceries i see 3 tomatoes with the green energy field around them
• a fight ensues
• the bag with the tomatoes in them drops, i see the tomatoes roll away
• i smash a tomato, and i free the male. i look for the other tomatoes
• i find one, smash it, free whoever is in there, then i look for the last tomato, i find it crushed and on fire
• "oh god, please  let her be OK." as i feel tears run down my face, i pick up the burning tomato and drop it trying to free whatever must b left of her.
• "you should really stop, you look completely ridiculous" a familiar voice says.
• i look up and see the female walking towards me threw the fire, covered in dirt and ash. she must have been freed and ran to join the fight

and the voices return...

so, shallow grave, here we are again, let's look at ur situation right now... u havent talked to the one u say call ur gf for how long?

im not sure

i see... and have u been trying to talk to her?

whenever she's online i try but i only ever see her on bolgtv now, if i see her at all

ah... so she's avoiding u?

what? no. she wouldnt do that... would she?

oh i think she would... y would she wanna talk to u? i mean... u know others can see her get on skype, but u cant... y do u think that is? maybe she blocked u cause she hates u, just like everyone else on this god-forsaken rock. she never signs in on msn because why? thats right... strike 2 against hre likeing u still. and where was the only place u ever talked to her?

blogtv?

exactly, and who hasnt been online for a few weeks?

maybe she's doing what i am, checking to see if im online, and when im not, she doesnt get on

if that were the case she'd talk to u else where, woudln't she? she's talk to u offline on skype, or get on msn, orat very least email u, right?

but... what are u saying?

im saying that she probibly deleted u from her friends cause she doesnt want anythign to do with u. when u first started talking she told u, she doesnt like clingy ppl, what r u becoming?

but... i've done all i could to not b clingy, i've done what i can to make her happy, what am i doing wrong?

i think u know

what? i dont understand.

u need to give her up, grave... let her go and stay here with me. look at what we've been thru together... i was there for ohio, and for bob and ur friend u see as a sister. i was there for everything, im always here for u. i dont block u on anything, i dont pretend to care, im here for u, grave. ur there for so many, u need someone there for u when life gets too much. that someone is me.

but... what about the stuff i do for her? like i sent her all that stuff at christmas, i got her this new thing... what about that huh?

who doesnt like getting free stuff from a sucker who doesnt kow when he's not wanted?

what if i just ask her? tell her to b honest? b all "hey, b honest... do ustill like me after all this time?"

"oh yes, my love, of course i still like you" see how easy that is? it wont solve anything

maybe... but what else do i have?

me u idiot.. thats what i've been trying to tell u... you only have me

yes... look to see if she's there.... u want to check dont u? u wanan see if im right and she just doesnt love u anymore, if she ever did. face it... u secretly want ur heart broken, dont u, u like hating things too much for all this love non-sence... fine... go check to see if she's there... ask her ur stupid question, but remember... she wanted to keep it a secret from the rest, she stopped talking to u... just like ohio... when im right i'll b right here, inside ur fucked up little head, waiting for u to crawl back to the darkness where u belong. maybe then u'll see that u just shouldnt leave my side.... go pretend to enjoy the light. just remember... u can never outrun the darkness, just cover it up for a bit.

idk where else to put this.. so i put it here

ok.. im going to b honest... for the first time in a long time, i'll b honest with everyone...

i've been really down lately... almost depressed.. not constatly... not that i know of.

i feel it at night mostly, when i go to this website called blogtv to talk to my friend jen, and it seems like she doesnt care about the blogtv ppl.. just the 3 or 4 ppl she'll have on skype call.

idk.. i kinda feel unwanted, like i dont belong, cause like i have skype, and she's on my skype... so r 2 out of the main 3 pll she talks to, but im never invited to talk at all

meh... i guess this is gonna b a bitch fest from me... so ya... feel free to just stop reading and do something thats worth the time u'll end up wasting on this.

u still reading?
dont say i didnt warn u...

anyway... i'd ask to b in the call but then i'd b worried that they'd b bitter towards me for intruding... im way to passive for that

and they'd probibly feel like they have to add me... i'm way to nice for that

so instead i just sit and try to pretend to b ok, like i've done for years, probibly forever, idk

but ya... being depresed ends up making me angry.. cause i have no reason to b depressed, hell.. i have every reason to b happy, i have a gf, i'm not taking classes and gettign away with it, i'm having a blast in life... until im alone in my room... where i have time to think, or rather, where i have the time to not distract myself, where i have time to think way too much about way too much, where i cna thnk about how little bullshit things r getting to me and bringing me down, while i, ever the joyous hero, refuses to admit that im down about anything

and since im being honest... u wanna know y i refuse to show im down?... well one cause im sposed to b strong for all my friensd who need me. i have steph and hanna and not so much aly anymore, but now rai, and i want jess to dump hre troubles on me, but she wont.

anyway,, the real reason?... cause im afraid

im afraid that i'm fucked up beyond my control, afraid that i cant live my life wihtout help... afraid im too weak to take care of myeself.

cause if i cant keep myself together, how the fuck am i sposed to help those who need me?

anyway... i hate this right now... my gf was online and then just got off msn, and she's on blogtv... this is where my mind plays it's tricks on me...

"she must not want to talk to u, she didnt say anything"
"maybe her comp just went heywire and her internet is down"
"u could check to see if she's on blog..."
"thats a good idea... that'll help alot"
"whats this?... she's on blog?... well her internet must b fine... it must b you"
"what??... nonsence... im suer there's a reason"
" 'i'm sure there's a reason' of course there is.. she doesnt like u, same as everyone else"
"but.. that cant b true.. can it?"
"welll let's see... how many real freinds do u have?.. how many do u make time to do stuff with?"
"i could just go on blog and ask her about it right? i'm sure there's a reason"
"u cant do that... u'll look liek a crazy obsessive stalker type... u dont want that"
"no, i guess not"
" just wait until jen starts her show... u go there every night.. it wont b so stalker-ish"
"ok... that sounsd like a plan"
" oh... looks like jen isnt online either... they r probibly makign fun of u"
"what??.... y would they do that?"
"probibly laughing cause poor shallow grave is such a loser... and he thinks that ppl actually like him"
"stop that.. it's not true.. ppl like me"
"they do?.... y.. tell me 5 ppl who give a damn about u"
"umm.. well--"
"as i thought... no one gives two shits about u"
"thats not true!"
"there's only one person who really loves u"
"jess?"
"of course not my boy... if she loved u she'd talk to u right?"
"i...i guess..."
"u guess... or u know?"
"umm.. i guess i know?"
"of course u know.... do u want to know who really loves u?"
"who?"
"I do... i've always been here for u and always will b"
"but u never say anythign but i'm useless, and unloved"
"exactly, boy.... i'm the only one who's willing to tell u the truth"

but ya... b4 i'm gonna stop b4 i just go forever :/
it nevre ends... the haunting fear of betrayal... it's almost sickening but it seems on alot ofdays, it's the only thing that loves me. i know it's not true, but sometimes it feels like it is

anyway... i need to end this b4 i continue too much :/

so goodnight...

none of you will get this, so i feel safer telling more of the story

ok.. so there is this girl at the college i go to, i'll call her "Cookie" anyway... i will admit, she is pretty hot, but i have self esteem issues and i dont thing that i have any chance with her, but my friend... i'll call him "cory" seems to think that because she smiled at me when she walks past that she likes me. now i'm not gonna lie... the girl is very easy on the eyes, but i look at what i look like and realize that i probibly wont get anyone close to that at all.. or if i ever do then i'll start to wonder what will go wrong to balance out such good luck... but anyway... back to the now...

well cory and i were playing magic (a card game like yugioh, but the predisesor to that, and pokemon, and basically all of that) anyway.. we were playing and then the girl... i'll call her k... was takinga break fomr working in the cafe to eat and cory asked he to sit with us cause she was by herself. and he kept her there for a good 10-15 minutes... and the only open seat just happened to b next to me..

anyway... so i really didnt say much in that time period except what was needed for the game, cause i am a very shy person... once u get to know me then i break out of that shell and i'm a very no shame kinda guy... but i always start out shy and timid. probibly from my early years...but thats a story for another day.

anyway... after she left cory was pretty much like "wtf? i did that so u could talk to her and u didnt say shit" but ya... i believe the phrase "ur dick hates u" was in there somewhere...

anyway... ya, i really dont know what to do... the last time i actuallu liked someone, or tried to, they basicly blew it off when i told her and now i havent talked to her in a long time.. so i'm a little ify about telling ppl that i like them, or even love them, cause it's almost like some kind of karmatic punishment for feeling love... i begin to thikn that i'm not allowd to feel love... when i do, it always ends up screwing me over.

like i wasnt in love, but i cared alot about my sister, who i call anne. and ever since she hooked up with bob it seems like we arent as good as frieds, cause she hardly talks to me anymore,

and the one i call ohio, the one i told i loved them, hasnt talked to me in almost a year, and now cory told the girl i liked her... i pray to god that this doesnt mess it up somehow.

new daily blog!!

hey there, kids

just letting anyone who cares know that i have a new daily blog called "life as a shallow grave" it's just my day to day life writen down

well thats all from me on this blog, i still have to post todays entry for that one

cya'll later then

good after noon kids...

im just letting u kids know that im making a new thingy today.. maybe 2.

right now i am making a blog with my fave song lyrics and i might make another about my personal feelings and shit about life and shit... so look out for those.

thougfht of the day...

"i will walk the path of orpheus

1000 times over if i need to,

just to give u a good day"

wtf r u talking about?

first and foremost... im a swearer. i will try to cencor myself, but i doubt that i will keep everything out... if swear words offend u or what-not, stop reading now...

they gone?... "alright", he says while stretching his arms as if it will somehow make him better at this.

secondly, for those of u who r left, i am a really crappy speller, as u will no doubt learn from reading this... i know i fail at spelling, just try to look past that and enjoy it anyway.. if there is a word u dont thing that holmes could figure out, then comment and i will let u know what it was sposed to b...

also, in case u havent noticed, i use "net speak" a lot... so i ask that if u dont know a word i use, treat it as spelling.. comment and ask...


ok.. now for the matter at hand.. ur probibly wondering what the fuck a lemming is... dont feel bad, ur not alone... lots of ppl dont know what they r, so im going to tell u.

lemmings r little rat type things who r fucking stupid, alot like alot of ppl i know, when it is time to migrate, they use the old saying "the fastest point between 2 points is a straight line"... these little fucks dont give a shit about what is in their way.. cliffs, traffic, they even try to swim across the god damn ocean... and they dont stop... over half of them die from exaustion b4 they ever make it to their destination. and another thing that thses rodents have in common with the morons i know is none of them want to lead the rest... all they want to do is follow and they want to have everyhing anded to them...

well i think im going to keep this short... this is my first blog and i just wanted to see how the whole "blogging thing" went... and i think that this may b worth my time and effort to make another one some time.

but b4 i go i wanted to just say that the main point of this was to get a feel at how this thing works and because i thought the title was funny if anyone follows this it will say "ur following lemmings off a cliff" and the mental image in my head makes me smile.

i think i may make a new thing about shit that pisses me off... that one im sure can go on for-fucking-ever... there r lots of things that piss me off... i will probibly keep this one open for large rants i have about things that really piss me off and i will probibly make another thing for my crazy personal thoughts, if/when i get arould to making them i will probibly post somehtng on here saying "hey real quick, if u guys care... this is the name of my new thing and this is what it will b about" im thinking i may have one for lyrics that i really like, so u can look for that.

and finally i think i will try to finish everything i do with a thought of the day... this could b something u guys goet or it could b something for friends i have that u'll b like "wtf??", just ask in the comments and i'll b like "its for a friend" of i will explain what it means...

thought of the day...

"keep ur emotions kid...they may kill ur heart, but they can save ur soul."