i know no one will see this, especially her, so i'll just leave this here for whatever...
 ok, quick backstory... i met the woman i'll call "Gotham City" on a website that was prety simple, "do i look good? rate this picture". long story short. i liked her, like really liked her. what am i saying... like her. present tence. the only problem is... she's kinda getting married in a month or 2. but i'm kind of a terrible person in that i kinda ignored the fact that she had a then boyfriend and i loved her anyway. we'd talk til we just couldnt anymore and we'd legit spend the day texting. from the second we woke up to when we went to sleep. i'd send her a text when i'd to to sleep. (cause i always somehow went to bed last despite being 2 hours ahead of her.) anyway, i'd text her something along the lines of "gives u a hug and a kiss. cause someone as gorgeous as u should always wake up with hugs and kisses" anyway, she gets engaged, i back off, cause i wanted her to have what's best for her. and that wasnt some dork who lived forever away. so we didnt talk much. i was afraid if i talked to her i'd try to charm her out of her marrage and with me.

anyway.. a while ago i got a call from her, she'd been drinking , and apparently she becomes really honest when she's drunk and she told me that she wished it was me she was marrying, not other guy. i wish i could tell u that i was all "that's sweet" and let it go, but i didnt... i still missed her just as much as always. so, i told her that i still loved her just as much as b4, and i told her that i wished that i was marrying her also. i wish i didnt do this, but my brain went into "i still have a chance" mode and ya... she may have been teasing me and i may have encouraged more, maybe to the point to where i was describing some pretty spesific stuff i'd b doing if we were together.. anyway... y im writing this is cause my brain is making he a bit sad... Gotham City was sposed to video chat with me tonight. i was finally gonna b able to see her after forever and she was going to the bar b4 hand too, so she'd b drunk and as face to face as we could b. anyway, she had to cancel, and my tired, sleep starved brain is telling me that i wont get to talk to her for a long time... it makes me sad cause i want to b able to see her face. i want to beable to see her smile and everything, but im a good man... i dont want to have her hurt when she gets married to other guy and i'm off to the side still wanting to kiss her :/

anyway. that's me typing more stuff i shoudlnt, so i can hide it here for who knows how long until i findmyself here again. bye for now

Dream idea for Doctor Who -- 9/15/12

• opening: human/alien/creature is hit with a green beam/ray of some kind, they become transparent and shrink into this orb-type thing. 
• the beings that became the green orbs were being put in everyday things, imprisoned for reasons i may never know
• jumping ahead forward; the Doctor finds out that a close male and female character have been taken and hit with the beam/ray
• the Doctor finds out about the plot and sets out looking for them.
• he eventually finds out that they have been put into tomatoes, in a bag of groceries i see 3 tomatoes with the green energy field around them
• a fight ensues
• the bag with the tomatoes in them drops, i see the tomatoes roll away
• i smash a tomato, and i free the male. i look for the other tomatoes
• i find one, smash it, free whoever is in there, then i look for the last tomato, i find it crushed and on fire
• "oh god, please  let her be OK." as i feel tears run down my face, i pick up the burning tomato and drop it trying to free whatever must b left of her.
• "you should really stop, you look completely ridiculous" a familiar voice says.
• i look up and see the female walking towards me threw the fire, covered in dirt and ash. she must have been freed and ran to join the fight

and the voices return...

so, shallow grave, here we are again, let's look at ur situation right now... u havent talked to the one u say call ur gf for how long?

im not sure

i see... and have u been trying to talk to her?

whenever she's online i try but i only ever see her on bolgtv now, if i see her at all

ah... so she's avoiding u?

what? no. she wouldnt do that... would she?

oh i think she would... y would she wanna talk to u? i mean... u know others can see her get on skype, but u cant... y do u think that is? maybe she blocked u cause she hates u, just like everyone else on this god-forsaken rock. she never signs in on msn because why? thats right... strike 2 against hre likeing u still. and where was the only place u ever talked to her?

blogtv?

exactly, and who hasnt been online for a few weeks?

maybe she's doing what i am, checking to see if im online, and when im not, she doesnt get on

if that were the case she'd talk to u else where, woudln't she? she's talk to u offline on skype, or get on msn, orat very least email u, right?

but... what are u saying?

im saying that she probibly deleted u from her friends cause she doesnt want anythign to do with u. when u first started talking she told u, she doesnt like clingy ppl, what r u becoming?

but... i've done all i could to not b clingy, i've done what i can to make her happy, what am i doing wrong?

i think u know

what? i dont understand.

u need to give her up, grave... let her go and stay here with me. look at what we've been thru together... i was there for ohio, and for bob and ur friend u see as a sister. i was there for everything, im always here for u. i dont block u on anything, i dont pretend to care, im here for u, grave. ur there for so many, u need someone there for u when life gets too much. that someone is me.

but... what about the stuff i do for her? like i sent her all that stuff at christmas, i got her this new thing... what about that huh?

who doesnt like getting free stuff from a sucker who doesnt kow when he's not wanted?

what if i just ask her? tell her to b honest? b all "hey, b honest... do ustill like me after all this time?"

"oh yes, my love, of course i still like you" see how easy that is? it wont solve anything

maybe... but what else do i have?

me u idiot.. thats what i've been trying to tell u... you only have me

yes... look to see if she's there.... u want to check dont u? u wanan see if im right and she just doesnt love u anymore, if she ever did. face it... u secretly want ur heart broken, dont u, u like hating things too much for all this love non-sence... fine... go check to see if she's there... ask her ur stupid question, but remember... she wanted to keep it a secret from the rest, she stopped talking to u... just like ohio... when im right i'll b right here, inside ur fucked up little head, waiting for u to crawl back to the darkness where u belong. maybe then u'll see that u just shouldnt leave my side.... go pretend to enjoy the light. just remember... u can never outrun the darkness, just cover it up for a bit.

idk where else to put this.. so i put it here

ok.. im going to b honest... for the first time in a long time, i'll b honest with everyone...

i've been really down lately... almost depressed.. not constatly... not that i know of.

i feel it at night mostly, when i go to this website called blogtv to talk to my friend jen, and it seems like she doesnt care about the blogtv ppl.. just the 3 or 4 ppl she'll have on skype call.

idk.. i kinda feel unwanted, like i dont belong, cause like i have skype, and she's on my skype... so r 2 out of the main 3 pll she talks to, but im never invited to talk at all

meh... i guess this is gonna b a bitch fest from me... so ya... feel free to just stop reading and do something thats worth the time u'll end up wasting on this.

u still reading?
dont say i didnt warn u...

anyway... i'd ask to b in the call but then i'd b worried that they'd b bitter towards me for intruding... im way to passive for that

and they'd probibly feel like they have to add me... i'm way to nice for that

so instead i just sit and try to pretend to b ok, like i've done for years, probibly forever, idk

but ya... being depresed ends up making me angry.. cause i have no reason to b depressed, hell.. i have every reason to b happy, i have a gf, i'm not taking classes and gettign away with it, i'm having a blast in life... until im alone in my room... where i have time to think, or rather, where i have the time to not distract myself, where i have time to think way too much about way too much, where i cna thnk about how little bullshit things r getting to me and bringing me down, while i, ever the joyous hero, refuses to admit that im down about anything

and since im being honest... u wanna know y i refuse to show im down?... well one cause im sposed to b strong for all my friensd who need me. i have steph and hanna and not so much aly anymore, but now rai, and i want jess to dump hre troubles on me, but she wont.

anyway,, the real reason?... cause im afraid

im afraid that i'm fucked up beyond my control, afraid that i cant live my life wihtout help... afraid im too weak to take care of myeself.

cause if i cant keep myself together, how the fuck am i sposed to help those who need me?

anyway... i hate this right now... my gf was online and then just got off msn, and she's on blogtv... this is where my mind plays it's tricks on me...

"she must not want to talk to u, she didnt say anything"
"maybe her comp just went heywire and her internet is down"
"u could check to see if she's on blog..."
"thats a good idea... that'll help alot"
"whats this?... she's on blog?... well her internet must b fine... it must b you"
"what??... nonsence... im suer there's a reason"
" 'i'm sure there's a reason' of course there is.. she doesnt like u, same as everyone else"
"but.. that cant b true.. can it?"
"welll let's see... how many real freinds do u have?.. how many do u make time to do stuff with?"
"i could just go on blog and ask her about it right? i'm sure there's a reason"
"u cant do that... u'll look liek a crazy obsessive stalker type... u dont want that"
"no, i guess not"
" just wait until jen starts her show... u go there every night.. it wont b so stalker-ish"
"ok... that sounsd like a plan"
" oh... looks like jen isnt online either... they r probibly makign fun of u"
"what??.... y would they do that?"
"probibly laughing cause poor shallow grave is such a loser... and he thinks that ppl actually like him"
"stop that.. it's not true.. ppl like me"
"they do?.... y.. tell me 5 ppl who give a damn about u"
"umm.. well--"
"as i thought... no one gives two shits about u"
"thats not true!"
"there's only one person who really loves u"
"jess?"
"of course not my boy... if she loved u she'd talk to u right?"
"i...i guess..."
"u guess... or u know?"
"umm.. i guess i know?"
"of course u know.... do u want to know who really loves u?"
"who?"
"I do... i've always been here for u and always will b"
"but u never say anythign but i'm useless, and unloved"
"exactly, boy.... i'm the only one who's willing to tell u the truth"

but ya... b4 i'm gonna stop b4 i just go forever :/
it nevre ends... the haunting fear of betrayal... it's almost sickening but it seems on alot ofdays, it's the only thing that loves me. i know it's not true, but sometimes it feels like it is

anyway... i need to end this b4 i continue too much :/

so goodnight...

none of you will get this, so i feel safer telling more of the story

ok.. so there is this girl at the college i go to, i'll call her "Cookie" anyway... i will admit, she is pretty hot, but i have self esteem issues and i dont thing that i have any chance with her, but my friend... i'll call him "cory" seems to think that because she smiled at me when she walks past that she likes me. now i'm not gonna lie... the girl is very easy on the eyes, but i look at what i look like and realize that i probibly wont get anyone close to that at all.. or if i ever do then i'll start to wonder what will go wrong to balance out such good luck... but anyway... back to the now...

well cory and i were playing magic (a card game like yugioh, but the predisesor to that, and pokemon, and basically all of that) anyway.. we were playing and then the girl... i'll call her k... was takinga break fomr working in the cafe to eat and cory asked he to sit with us cause she was by herself. and he kept her there for a good 10-15 minutes... and the only open seat just happened to b next to me..

anyway... so i really didnt say much in that time period except what was needed for the game, cause i am a very shy person... once u get to know me then i break out of that shell and i'm a very no shame kinda guy... but i always start out shy and timid. probibly from my early years...but thats a story for another day.

anyway... after she left cory was pretty much like "wtf? i did that so u could talk to her and u didnt say shit" but ya... i believe the phrase "ur dick hates u" was in there somewhere...

anyway... ya, i really dont know what to do... the last time i actuallu liked someone, or tried to, they basicly blew it off when i told her and now i havent talked to her in a long time.. so i'm a little ify about telling ppl that i like them, or even love them, cause it's almost like some kind of karmatic punishment for feeling love... i begin to thikn that i'm not allowd to feel love... when i do, it always ends up screwing me over.

like i wasnt in love, but i cared alot about my sister, who i call anne. and ever since she hooked up with bob it seems like we arent as good as frieds, cause she hardly talks to me anymore,

and the one i call ohio, the one i told i loved them, hasnt talked to me in almost a year, and now cory told the girl i liked her... i pray to god that this doesnt mess it up somehow.

new daily blog!!

hey there, kids

just letting anyone who cares know that i have a new daily blog called "life as a shallow grave" it's just my day to day life writen down

well thats all from me on this blog, i still have to post todays entry for that one

cya'll later then

good after noon kids...

im just letting u kids know that im making a new thingy today.. maybe 2.

right now i am making a blog with my fave song lyrics and i might make another about my personal feelings and shit about life and shit... so look out for those.

thougfht of the day...

"i will walk the path of orpheus

1000 times over if i need to,

just to give u a good day"